A lonely stroll

I am very lucky to work next to the Sea and often take lunch time walks with my colleagues. Today I took a stroll alone. It’s national poetry day as well, and I happened to write a poem on my stroll!

I took a lonely stroll, along an old war path with a floating wall of defense. The beauty of a history with echoes of an accent, war commands, and blood shed.

I think of the things the sea has seen, the places and sites the water has been. The souls it has touched, the people it has drowned, the vibrations of voice and sound.

Thoughts flood my mind of the people on the phone, anxious and worried, broken and bone. I wonder what would happen to them, if a war broke out here.

 Would they be soldiers and put to good use, would they crumble and cave and would they be brave? When the choice of freedom is put to the test, would they survive and try their best? Or would they drown in the call of war, would they not know how to keep ashore? Would they have no fight, no skill, or would they stand up, battle or kill? Have we lost the will, the passion to try, is it too easy to give up and and say ok, I will die? Have we learnt expectations, things given with a free hand? Have we let life drift like wind in the sand? Have we lost our roots, never shown the world by walking in old boots? Have we lost our way, living careless, vacant, day by day? 

I stroll along a lonely path and enter my 4 walls, listening with empathy to the voice in the calls….

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Rootless

So at the beginning of this year I moved into my very own, owned home. This was probably one of the most stressful yet exciting and important moments in my life to date and I am fully aware I am in a very privileged position to be able to do this so young – I genuinely have ‘imposter syndrome’ (google it, it’s an actual thing).  Anyway, I wrote this a while back about the concept of ‘Home’ and what it means to me: 

I am a rooted rootless tree, my leaves fall in polar regions, souls divided and diverted between two cities.

Home, home is such an abstract concept. I am homesick for a home that is misplaced, homesick for a time that no longer exists, homesick for people gone by and for the things that could have been.

On paper, these four walls are mine, a homeowner, a home – owned. Yet my feelings of home are  bare and bone, mixed and unfixed.

I find a home in a smog market graffiti city, in an old wooden classroom of desire, in a pile of four-legged fur, within rounded strong arms and aroused breasts, in the eyes of that lost girl, in the sound of a familiar voice, in the laugh of him and the cry of her.I find a home in the smell of old smoke on his leather jacket and the scent of perfume on her neck. I find a home in the beat of  the music, in the middle of an unnamed sea, on the edge of a euphoric wave, in the depths of a silent wood, on weathered bench with a view and in the call of birdsong. I find a home on that sun filled sofa, by the cold wood burner, sat around the round kitchen table, lost in the pages of books, within pen and pencil on lined paper and through the lens of a binocular. I find a home in places lost and cold, warm and bold. There are my houses to call a home.

Home is not one place but a feeling found in moments, memories and minds.

Disconnection Dream

I am addicted to Facebook. It really irritates me and I spend many moments on a near daily basis reflecting on this addiction and how I irritate myself by it:

Phone in hand, I plug in over and over and over again for clues to my psychological distillness. Instead of living I look at what living might look like on a screen. Instead of doing I search and read about doing it, instead of unplugging I plug in to understand how to unplug. I feel lost in a cyber system of life. Jealousy, anxiety, rage fills me, fear of what I’ve not achieved, time tick tocks louder upon each hour my real life is wasted by this square piece of addiction. Yet without it I am cut off and lonely, with it I am the same.

When I am active in life, my mind feels for the screen to shoot a picture, a bullet into the memory making moment so I can share it with all those people it was never meant to be for, for those people who were not there, for those who really, would not care. The screen acts as a screen to the moment in front of our screened out eyes. I cant stop myself from shooting that shot, without this I am unplugged and unpopular, unknown, uncool and undone. Yet, with it, I am the same.

I crave for alone time – I am physically alone a lot yet I google what it is to be alone and listen to my soul. I completely disconnect when I am connect and connected when disconnected. This confusing addiction seeps its way into my dreams, its the last thing I look at before I close my eyes at night, the last thing I touch. It keeps you feeling safe, up to date and involved. Yet I feel fear, a sense of not belonging, not achieving, loneliness and frustration, because I cant achieve fulfillment or come close to it because I need the screens approval, gratification that I am doing OK and doing it right.

I cannot just be, and I hate myself for it, I lost myself for it, I sacrificed myself for it.

Well, here we are!

Okay, so I note that clearly I’ve not blogged since 2012. Wow, how far one can come in 4 years is absolutely incredible. I did a 2 year Social Work Masters and am now a fully fledged Social Worker in Adult services with a fully fledged full time full on career, which i love and i now own my own home…..I know right, the impossible is possible my friends.

Looking through this blog has actually made me realize how quickly a person can change and make changes to their lives and how fast the years can go by.

I do a lot of poetry as you can probably see and now would like to make this blog into a Poetry blog/collection of my poems and streams of consciousness’s.

I will get the  hang of this blogging malarkey eventually I am sure. But for now, i shall begin my posting poetry.

Here it goes……

Much Love.

From Zero jobs to Four jobs all at once!

Hello!

I now have 4 jobs, yes 4!

Let me begin with the slight dilemma I had last week. I had two interviews in one day, one as for an unpaid Internship in Arts Outreach and the other was a paid teaching job. The teaching job was 6 days a week and VERY well paid, the internship was 2 days a week but full of life long expereince…..so I sat and pondered and even shed a tear or two over what on earth to do! But when it came to it, the Internship was where my heart was. I get to run workshops, make educational materials, help out with school visits and do general admin work which all helps towards my wider career choice. I spoke to my parents and sought advice from all over the place and everyone said;

‘You are young enough to take the risk and not take the money, you should be doing things that will help you in the long-term and help you to achieve your goals’

So that is what I have done! The 2 day a week internship gives me a lot more room for paid part-time work. So off I went back to JJB and my lovely manager gave me my job back  🙂 Then on top of all of that I still do Shake The Dust every Monday night anndd fit in 4 hours worth of my Youth support work a week too!

All of these 4 different jobs, paid and unpaid I love equally, all give me different challenges and experience’s and different friends to go with it all. There are not enough days in the week for me now!

I also have an interview for the Social Work MA I applied for!!!!!

I made this picture 🙂 and part of the poem is from Robert Frost’s ‘The Road Not Taken’

So this just all goes to show that if you keep on trying, volunteering, and putting yourself out there you will eventually get somewhere. If you don’t ask you don’t get.

This is just the beginning people!

The Right Station at the Right Platform

I went to my parents house this weekend so I was able to spend mothers day with my lovely mother. It was nice in the fresh air, walking over those Somerset hills in the sun and the rain, and then sitting in the hot tub with flashing lights, music and a waterfall, watching the starts and meteors and (i am certain) UFO’s.

It was great to get away for a weekend, especially as this week holds some important potential developments for with some very good job opps, so I have a long week ahead!

Anyway it was on my epic journey home that consisted of a car, a train a coach and a taxi that I had a random thought about trains in a metaphorical sense. Here it is:

The train gets faster and faster as your head swirls into a panic of thought and speech. You groan and chudder and switch tracks and shudder and you swing and lean and fly past somewhere you’ve been before.. You then slow and creak to a stop at a platform full of empty souls and your wheels dip and jump over the train track holes. Then off you go again switching lanes with no warning so not to feel boring, your noise is a horrendous mess as you whiz past places best left alone and then you found yourself at a platform alteration in a new situation of slight delusion and confusion. Don’t leave your baggage there it will look suspicious and yes they know those cakes taste delicious but you can’t afford it so carry on past here or stop and live in fear. The chug and shudder and switch again until you slow to a pace that’s ok for you and pull up beside a platform that feels good BUT please please mind the gap so you don’t have another slow and painful mishap.

End.

Its kind of like being unemployed and trying to follow dreams and reach goals. You have a destination in mind, but your ‘lanes’ switch, situations occur and things can change, or you get rejected or don’t have the right kind of experience or level or whatever. You often find people backing down as it were, back into those jobs they didn’t want, or tried to escape from. It’s all about adapting and re-adapting and finding the right path to the right place, the right station and the right platform for you. Its kind of where I am now to be honest, I am on that train and I am moving along fast but its all about if the driver will let me get off at the right stop or not.

I will let you know how that goes!

In other news Shake The Dust has begun! Check it out here! http://www.shakethedust.co.uk/

Words that are Wordy

I went away for a long weekend to my parents house/place of priveldged perfection where people are happy, we get fed fine food talk in words and become family…anyway I went there and a few things occured to me over the course of this stay.

We are a family of wordy people. If I had to describe my mother in a more prfoessional sense in one word, it would be Wordy. She has this magical power of coming out with these ellaborate and perhaps sometimes made up but still intelligent sounding words. A new word and notion I learnt over this weekend was indeed a new word, this new word is: Malapropisms

This lengthy and intelligent sounding word means the following:

1. an act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, especially bythe confusion of words that are similar in sound.
2.

an instance of this, as in “Lead the way and we’ll precede.”
For example a few of these which I have come across recently include ‘The Wilderbeastness‘ (meant to be the wilderness)   ‘Fug‘ (during a game of boggle to which my mother was certain was a word)  and ‘pine-apple’ instead of pinnacle….
Upon further thought to this Malapropism saga it dawned on me that I am pretty sure I make one of these ‘accidents’ at at least once a day. However I believe these word accidents are bound to appear more in situations like Interviews, dates, telephone calls, things that make you nervous and make your brain Mush a little and perform a Malapropism instead. I also believe they are likely to go reasonably unnoticed until one has time to look back on a conversation in retrospect, and then you are able to cringe or perhaps ‘minge’ if I were to have a Malapropism!
Furthermore over a game of Boggle, it also occurred to me that words can come out of no where. I generally write down words that are apparently not words and am able to instantly put a meaning onto this made up word, like my own mother did with the word Fug to which she gave some kind of random but ellaborate and intelligent sounding description of the word that actually did not exsist in the Dictionary….She also once when I was young believed that Ent was a real word, it is a talking tree in Lord of The rings….which brings me onto my next point…Ent is a word, its a word that is a name of Talking Trees in LOTR, but it does not appear in the dictionary…why? I dont really know but my ‘intelligent’ reasoning says that it is a ‘Fictional’ word only found in a fictional book and therefore only belongs there….but the thing is there are LOADS of made up ficional words in books that are not actually words but still appear in words in a wordy form…..do you see my trouble?!
So there you have it, I have concluded from this that I am from a Wordy family who like words that are wordy and who often( like most other people) perform Malapropisms on a weekly if not daily basis.
Here is a Wordle I created based entirely on the posts in this Blog so far!